Last month, I participated in the Game Maker’s Toolkit Game Jam, where participants were tasked with making a game in forty-eight hours that fit the theme “Roles Reversed.” This was my eighth jam, and the sixth one I’ve finished. It was a good experience, I’ve gained a lot, and I’m glad I did it. At the same time, it makes me question why it is that I only ever release jam games, and the role I want game development to serve in my life. More on that later.

My History With Game Jams and Game Development

My first game jam was in 2015, when I participated in GXDev. That was a twenty-four hour jam, and I was nervous as hell. I had experimented with game development tools before, but I’d never finished anything. It all seemed so difficult! But the jam advertised itself as beginner-friendly, and I had always wanted to learn how to make games. So I went, I joined a great team with friendly, knowledgeable people, and we submitted a game about a cactus that wants a hug. I loved the whole experience, even though I barely slept.

Fast forward a few years and I hadn’t made any other games. There are reasons for this, including a lack of confidence and a job that forbade me from releasing digital games in any format. That was weird to me, since it wasn’t a game company, my role wasn’t in software development, and I had no visibility into any of our products’ code, but I still got the impression my employers were very concerned about how my web game ambitions could derail their business. Anyway, I would occasionally experiment with tools and scope out designs, but very little would come of it. If I wasn’t able to share my work with others, what was the point?

I was still at that same job in 2018; it had perks that kept me there, but I still wanted to make games, so I decided to make them anyway. I signed up for GBJam, where you have to submit a game that would function on an original Game Boy, the kind that released in ‘89 that could only display four shades of greenish-gray. This jam was perfect for me because:

1. It was a week-long jam, which let me take my time and felt lower-pressure than a traditional 24 or 48 hour jam.
2. The Game Boy’s severe technological constraints encouraged me to keep the game simple and manageable.
3. I had recently started learning Construct 3, a game engine made for non-coders that simplified a lot of processes I struggled with in more traditional tools.

My labors resulted in Hothead Laundry, a game that’s both janky and important to me. It’s my first solo work, and it felt like a big validation. I can do this. I can make games. Now, what’s next?

What’s next was a move to a new state, a restarting of careers and social circles, and the general upheaval of everyday life. I started many projects and finished few of them. I went through cycles of euphoria, where I would be working on games every day, and then burnt out, where I wouldn’t touch the software for months. I did more game jams, usually one or two a year. And to this day, the only games I’ve publicly released are jam games.

Last month, I released another.

A Balanced Schedule, and GMTK Game Jam 2023

In the months before this jam, I had emerged from my latest period of burnout excited to take another crack at game development. But I was also tired to the cycle, tired of being so hot and cold on my favorite hobby. What was causing this cycle, and how could I fit development more harmoniously into my life? My main issue before had been that development became obsessive for me, that I put all of my time into it before burning out and avoiding it entirely. This also tracks with my habit of only releasing jam games: you can pour your whole life into your hobby for a weekend, but not much longer than that. It’s not sustainable.

How could I keep development feeling happy and manageable? How could I keep it from spilling over into the rest of my life? Here’s what I settled on:

1. Game development is the first thing I do when I wake up, but I only do it in the mornings, and usually for just an hour or two.
2. If I wake up not feeling like doing development, I don’t force it. Instead, I do something else and come back to development when it feels good.
3. I’m not doing schedules or deadlines. I just focus on which steps to do next.
4. I’m only making small games, for now.

I liked this plan. But shortly after making it, the 2023 GMTK Game Jam was announced and, wouldn’t you know it, my schedule was open that weekend. And that’s always been my favorite jam anyway, especially since my development partner and I got a shout-out on the official post-jam livestream for our work. That’s a high worth chasing again, right?

I wanted to do the jam, but I also wanted to not feel wrecked afterward. I think that’s possible. Here’s what I did:

1. I took plenty of breaks.
2. I kept up certain routines. I still did my daily workouts.
3. I didn’t spend the whole weekend on it. I still went to a friend’s birthday.
4. I decided that sleep was more important than finishing, and slept plenty.
5. I kept the scope small. It’s a one-level game.

I finished the jam, but I also knew I would have been happy with not finishing. I left the weekend…still exhausted, but happy. And now I have a small, rough game.

What I’ve Gained and Where I’m Going

With Love’s Light Wings is about a flying smartphone in love with its owner. It’s jankier than Hothead Laundry, but I also think it shows a lot of promise. It’s absurd, funny, and novel. It exemplifies what I think about smartphones: that they’re far too distracting, and that much of what they have to show us are the cheapest parts of life. By incorporating that viewpoint into my design, I’ve created my most cynical game to date. But it’s also very silly, and some have called it sweet. I think that’s cool. I value media that can say and be many things at once, media that creates discussion and difference of opinion rather than telling the audience something straightforward. There’s something to be said for stating things plainly, but there’s also value in provoking thought rather than telling people what to think. I’m proud that my game, for now, does a little of both.

I have a weird, janky game that I’m fond of. And now, I’d like to give it some polish. Spend some time with it, a little each morning, and figure out how to bring out the best in it. I’ve been so happy the past few months, doing just a little development each morning, taking my time while also making time for the other things in my life. I want to maintain that habit while also getting something more polished and fully realized out the door. I don’t want a tight deadline to be a requisite for finishing something. I want game development to feel enriching and not draining.

And if I find the time, I’ll be documenting some of that work here. This blog is new, and I’m still figuring out what it is. For now, it can be a little bit of everything.